I have tried many things, gay, straight, bi and even asexual for a short time. Finally this year I came to identify myself as pansexual. Over time I have come to believe it’s a blessing, just like my being transgender. Something to be proud of, a valuable perspective of sexuality. Something that is ultimately empowering.
It took me 37 years of exploring my identity to come to this understanding of my sexuality. For some people their sexuality is just innate, they understand themselves from a young age. For me it’s taken a long time mostly due to abuse and trauma and me not wanting to deal with anything in my life. I’m really happy where I have come to with this now, which is why I’m writing about it.
Looking beyond the physical is a big part of being pan for me. I have never seen gender in people. When I was young right through to now, I was attracted to people, not what was between their legs. It can be quite unsettling and frustrating to become attracted to someone who is rigidly set in their sexuality. When someone tells you they are not physically attracted to you because of your gender even though everything else is clicking, it’s kind of devastating. In the past when I was closeted I was on the other side of this coin, so it truly karmic for me and I have had some tough lessons and eaten lots of humble pie.
Over the years I have found that the way I see things in terms of sexuality is quite different to others and when you combine it with being a transgender woman it creates an even more unique perspective.
So for me, as a pansexual, I have struggled in my relationships. It makes it harder when they identify as cis/hetero people. This puts extra stressors on a relationship. Boxes don’t work for me like they do for other people. I live on a fluctuating spectrum on lots of different levels and it’s complex. But maybe it’s just about the personality of the other person and if they can accept me for that.
Now that I identify as a transgender woman, I see things differently. When I am with a man now I see that as a heterosexual relationship. When I’m with a woman I see it a same-sex relationship. The same as if I’m with another transgender person. Navigating between the three is a tricky path and one that not many travel.
It’s something that I have begun to explore as Penny and it’s kind of exciting. I don’t know what is going to work and what isn’t, there’s a little bit of nervous fear and anxiety but I think that’s kind of normal all things considered.
Besides this, I think I have come to an understanding very similar to that of my transgender issues.
I am now proudly pansexual and in understanding myself I can only grow. This ability to love all people gives me experiences and insights that others don’t get. This diversity enriches my life and makes it more fulfilling. Overall I find gender and sexually diverse people a lot more interesting people to be around. They usually have amazing energies and great stories. As well as connecting on this understanding of similar life cycles, events and experiences.
Coming to this pansexuality has been a process of elimination just the same as my releasing myself into being transgender. Through experience I worked out what I didn’t want and what didn’t work.
Finally I am happy and totally comfortable with how I see myself and am comfortable expressing this outwardly. It’s taken 37 years and I feel immensely proud of where I am now. The mountain does not seem so insurmountable anymore. In fact, I’m well on the way now and feeling really positive. I wouldn’t do it any other way, it’s such an enriching experience and as I said to a friend today, I have become such a better person because of all this and I now love myself and who I am becoming.